I know that if my ugly behavior was left unacknowledged it would leave behind a haunted home and a staff team having to walk on perpetual egg shells. Nothing sticks in the throat more than to see someone preach one sermon on Sunday and the opposite during the week.
How many good times have turned into bad times because the angry person chose not to exercise self-control. Everyone is on tenterhooks around a person with a quick temper not sure where the next hit comes from.
“A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.” (Proverbs 15:18)
The impact on others is profound. Spouses don’t feel safe (no matter how many flowers arrive the next day!). Children are on a knife edge because they don’t know with what mood Dad is going to walk through the door. Work mates quickly work out that a bad day for an angry person is a bad day for everybody. Uncontrolled anger can do immense damage to the lives of its victims.
Making Feedback Your Friend
Making Feedback Your Friend
One way to assist the healing of those we injure and also to grasp
the depth of the damage we have caused is to make feedback our friend.
One way of doing this is to ask those who were on the receiving
of your wrath to let you know how it feels for them. Give them
permission to share what it’s like to experience your fury. Assure them
that you won’t get defensive and don’t expect that they can trust you
immediately. This is a trust you earn slowly. Don’t be surprised that
the feedback might come out aggressively; after all, they may have been
waiting a long time for you to ask them and they may not get the chance
again.
Nothing heals a soul more than to have the offender own the
impact of their behavior in an unqualified way. As you hear their pain
resist the urge to get defensive. Most importantly, give a full, sincere
and unreserved apology. Don’t demand that they forgive you. That is
between them and God.
I remember challenging the men in my church in a talk on anger to
go home and invite their spouse and children to share what it’s like
for them when they lose their temper. Only two men out of eighty did it
and both their wives came to me on the following Sunday with tears in
their eyes to say how proud they were of their husbands. The men invited
feedback, they carefully listened, and then genuinely apologised. It
bathed the wounds of these women.
“Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming…” (Proverbs 27:4)
Anger crushes everyone and it gets in the way of how much God
values them. Your loved ones are waiting for you to ask them what it’s
like for them. Set them free!
Last year I left a men‘s conference with this same challenge.
Here is one man‘s email to me some weeks later. May it inspire you as it
did me.
I’ve been a Christian for over 30 years.
… As I reflected on the anger I showed to my own family, I realised
the truth of one of Ray’s statements, “Your anger is always worse than
the thing you’re angry at” and came also to the realisation that my
‘justified’ anger was actually a vain attempt to take over God’s job in
protecting others, but mainly myself.
After the talk, I made up my mind to
meet this issue head on and take responsibility for my anger. I
published a post on Facebook so that I’d be held accountable to my
friends and wider community.
Later on, I sat my family down and asked
them “What was it like for them when I lost my temper”. One of my
children said that it made them “feel afraid”, another said “makes me
want to run away” and sometimes it was like “walking on egg shells.” It
was very humbling to do but I knew I had to do it and not give my flesh
any more excuses. I repented in front of them and asked them each
individually for their forgiveness. My family prayed for me and we all
wept (except my youngest child!!). One of my daughter’s prayed and
thanked God for the courage I’d been given to confront this issue. This
experience has drawn me even closer to my family, and them to me. Even
in three short weeks, I’ve noticed a difference in my relationships,
especially with my middle daughter.
Where To From Here?
Where To From Here?
My vulnerability to sinning in anger means I have to ride gunshot on this struggle.
- I have to watch my diary and not over book. So much of godliness is prevention.
- I have put on my daily electronic diary reminder the phrase, “Today don’t be grumpy.”
- I’ve asked one of my fellow pastors to pray for me at the
beginning of each Sunday asking God to help me manage whatever stress
happens that day with Christ-like patience. - I dedicate a section of my prayer cards to the topic of anger.
For example I have written down the following sentences for me to read
in my prayer time. It’s simple self talk.
I have never won by losing my temper.
I have always, always, always regretted losing my temper.
It never does any good.It grieves God‘s Spirit who guarantees the redemption of my body.
It grieves those who I dump on such as wife, children, others.
Remember the last time I lost it and see if it‘s not true?
- When I fail I rush to the cross and know that our Lord sits on
a throne of grace to help me in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16).
My identity is that I am first and foremost a child of God and
not an angry man. The good news is that by God’s grace, I’m making
progress. My daughter in law of five years said recently that she has
never seen me lose my temper. God is doing what he promised in
transforming me from one degree of glory to the next.
So I join with many other sulking, sarcastic, intimidating, anger
addicts and say, “I may not be what I want to be, I may not be what
others want me to be and I may not be what God always wants me to be,
but I know that I’m not what I used to be.”
Come Lord Jesus!
Follow these links for Confessions of An Angry Pastor (Part 1) and (Part 2).
